Magical Scents and Haunting Memories
May 07, 2019Magical Scents and Haunting Memories–lilacs. I grew up in a house surrounded by lilacs. So every May, my mother arranged them in bunches around the house, but inside, from room to room, their fragrance didn’t alter my life. Outside, however, their ravishing smell enveloped me. I stepped through the front door, into the world, and the magical scents were all that registered. After I moment or two, I looked up and saw the dizzying tiny four-petal clusters of purple waving on tall green bushes. After school, their magical scents pulled me across the street.
Magical Scents and the Apex of Girlhood
When my husband and I first moved into this one bedroom apartment, I bought a large bunch of purple lilacs. And placed them on a window sill in the main room. Magic scents: The first memories are not haunting, exactly. The fragrance overwhelmed me. Suddenly, I was twelve years old. The smell sent me back to the apex of girlhood (a phrase that ultimately shapes my novel, “The Best of Crimes.”) At twelve, I believed I’d figured things out. Finally, I felt confident. Whatever challenge came my way–I felt ready. After all, I hadn’t suffered serious heartbreaks.
But that brief, confident year haunted me. And, within another moment, the pervasive, magical scent terrified me. I threw the lilacs away! Because returning to that apex signaled a fall from grace and everything else.
Haunting Memories
For me, the apex of girlhood lasted from when I was twelve until I was thirteen. (And at thirteen, I hadn’t even entered the throes of adolescence.) So, the tantalizing fragrance of magical lilacs that I bought for our new apartment sent me reeling. Back and forth from a memories of confidence into a lasting, haunting state.
For, at thirteen, conflicts beyond my imagination beset me. Naturally, I’d experienced loneliness and disbelief by then. Just not to where they became permanent! As states of mind, the size and power of loneliness and disbelief fluctuate, but I didn’t realize this for many, many years.
A few years ago, feeling brave, I bought lilacs from a staggeringly expensive grocery chain. That bunch gave off no scent. This year, I bought an intoxicating few cuttings from the bodega. The fragrance was so tantalizing that to temper their magical scents, I added a few counteractive peonies.